You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
