we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
