I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
