happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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