using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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