she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
