Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
