well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
