Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
