You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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