my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
