Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
