I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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