The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
