Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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