Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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