he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
