It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize