In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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