My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.