please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.