I skipped work to stalk him.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.