i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
