It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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