i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
