dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
