Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
