I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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