I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
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It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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