thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
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i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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