Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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