Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
