Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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