I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
