sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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