Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
