There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
