Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
