i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
