you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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