I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
