dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I need to align my fucking chakras
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
