Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the day after is always just damage control
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
