I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
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he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize