he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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