Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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