got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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