a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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