You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
