My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
