I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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