My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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