I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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