I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
