Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
