I love black thongs
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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