I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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