Your mouth is God's brothel.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm at about main and main street
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
