Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
